Review by Tea Krulos
I was late for Mondo Lucha. I blame God.
As I walked in, the crowd was going crazy, as it cheered on a match between a wrestler in a goat luchador mask and a pink woman’s bathing suit and a wrestler wearing a mask styled after the frilled lizard, Chlamydosaurus kingii. I Googled it.
Backstage I passed burlesque dancer Tomahawk Tassels, as she played a wooden flute, preparing to take the stage. Upstairs, the Turner Hall Ballroom balcony had become a giant green room, and it had a post- apocalyptic variety show look that you’d expect. Wrestlers, burlesque dancers, and alternative rockers leaned on the rail, as they watched the goat and the frilled lizard body slamming and flipping each other. Clownvis, the clown Elvis impersonator, leaned on the rail in the weird light, flanked by two dudes in sunglasses. Does Clownvis really have his own security detail?
Andrew Gorzalski walked around, swinging his arms, dressed in ’80’s workout shorts and sweatbands, as he prepared to get into his character, the Personal Assistant To Hollywood. P.A.T.H. is the nefarious manager of Mondo Lucha’s villain, the K.G. Beast.
Gorzalski and his co-producer, Jay Gilkay, have a simple vision. They want crazy wrestling, bizarre sideshow acts, and lovely ladies dancing in pasties. And the crowd was going nuts. Gorzalski continued to swing his arms, as he discussed strategy with four members of the Brew City Bruisers, Terror Lapinski, Romaniac, Coco Shrapnel, and Melyba Toastya. The Bruisers were once again fighting the K.G. Beast for one of the highlights of the night. Spread on the floor all around them were duffel bags overflowing with wrestling outfits and bottles of sports drinks.
The goat walked up the stairs, removing his sweaty mask, still clad in the ridiculous pink swimsuit. Down in the wrestling ring, Tomahawk Tassels began a routine in which she rode a guy in a bunny costume, horsey style, and then slew him. She scalped the rabbit, and used the pelt to cover her front as she let the audience take a peek at her ass.
Next up was Maritime. You know these guys, don’t you? I don’t know how to describe them. Don’t tell Fan-belt. It’s…the one guy from that one band, and the other dude and then some other guys. The crowd could dig it. What’s wrestling and burlesque without some tunes, ya know? [The Promise Ring! We still love ya, Tea. -ed.]
As the band exited, they encountered a pair of wrestlers backstage. They were giving a last minute spray over to their mohawks with some piledriver proof hairspray.
“I need some of that stuff for my hair!” One of the guys from Maritime said, as he yucked it up with the wrestlers. Out in the ring, the Mohawks tag teamed a couple of masked luchadors. One of the guys in the mask grabbed one of the Mohawk guy’s arms and twisted it back.
“BREAK IT!” A woman from the audience snarled.
The Bruisers take to the ring to confront the K.G.Beast, and the stakes are announced. If the Bruisers win, P.A.T.H. and the K.G.Beast will have to leave Mondo Lucha forever. If they win, one of the Bruisers will have to marry the Beast so he can gain citizenship. After a long battle, an unconscious Romaniac finds herself pronounced married as Bruiser and Beast.
Backstage two Celtic Irish themed wrestlers are discussing strategy. Tomahawk Tassels was wearing a robe watching Gravity Plays Favorites perform an act down on the stage. These two athletic women of Gravity Plays Favorites perform highly gymnastic innuendo filled routines on a portable strip pole. They were followed by Clownvis, shaking his pelvis and singing “Viva Las Vegas.”
The lovely Lola Van Ella took the stage next, doing a routine with an apron and cake icing to “If I knew you were coming I would’ve have baked a cake,” or whatever the song is called. My sole note on this reads “makes me horny for cake.”
Now for the main event! The Irish wrestlers ran into the ring, and riled the crowd up by insulting Milwaukee’s German heritage and saying things like “you’re the reason birth control was invented!”
“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” The crowd said. Then they faced off with their crazed opponents, psycho clown Loco Jo Jo and El Negro Yeti.
One of the gals from Gravity Plays Favorites jumped onto a bean bag chair up on the balcony next to me, to watch the match. Despite all the gymnastics, she smells really good. Some kind of body spray. Not trying to be creepy here.
The masked weirdoes won and everyone began to file out.
“You guys rock,” the good smelling girl from Gravity Plays Favorites told some dudes from Maritime.
“Likewise.” They complimented back.
Outside in the rainy street as I waited for my cab, while the fan-belt team handed out stickers.
Mondo Lucha was pretty effing awesome.
Tags: Mondo Lucha